Grabble.

It's been a while since I've been very committed to the old Archaen blog.

I feel like im going through another severe time in my life.

I am going to quit my job.

It's scary. But it's not on the same level as the real underlying problem.

It's been a painful, slow crawl along cold rocky ground trying to re-figure out my faith. How one is a Christian each day. How one really listens and hears God each day. What does it mean when you know- in your soul- your gut- your mind- your skin- that he wants you to do something?

Something.

This illusive, furtive creature which drives me and calls me.

This thing inside with which I hear and feel a longing I cant turn off- rationalize or barter with.

Back to quitting my job.
I read three books in a row recently- and each one screamed off the pages with encouraging voices to quit my job. I know me, though. I know Im the master rationalizer. I've been looking for reasons to squirm out and away from my job- but they've always somehow blown up in my guilty, ashamed face. I've job searched for two years now. I've done the tricks- I've written at least two dozen different specialized shades of my resume. And I am so far beyond sick and exhausted of poverty level there are no words to truly communicate with accuracy how tired i am.

What is it you want with me, God?

Why have you given me this singular longing for doing when im bound. Bound by so many things it pales even gravity.

I finally figured out what bothers me about my gas station job.

There is a land- a place- a whole world- nearly devoid of any true sense of shame.

I know our culture and our selves seem to spend our entire lives inventing ways to flee shame and guilt. And this once place is the singular pinnacle of this surmounting testament to humanism.

I've seen people steal. Deal drugs. Cut in line. Manipulate. Blame. Enable. Guilt. Blatantly abuse. Hate. Beat. Drink.

I've seen drunks beg people to buy them another bottle.
I've seen the post-pregnant forced to work through their injuries.
I've seen companies steal from their customers.
I've seen customers steal from their companies.
I've seen people with shattered teeth forced to work through incapacitating pain.
I've seen the friendless on Christmas Eve.
I've seen the model midwestern citizens sneer and belittle the unfortunate and downtrodden.

I've seen so much.
I've seen too much.

Call me naive. Call me lazy. Call me selfish.

I dont care.

Im done being apart of a system which enables and encourages all this.

I mean, what are you supposed to do when you get done preaching on Sunday, turn around, clock in, and then have problems like these floating just beyond your register?


What am I meant to do?


Who am I, and how can I get through another day?

Lord, please provide another way for me.

Because I have to work tomorrow.  


Like what you read? Join in with your own insights, stories and art- send them to ryanpfreeman1@aol.com. Thanks and God bless -Ryan