Internal Chaos

So it's late Sunday night-
Anberlin's CD Cities is playing and my head and heart feels chaotic-
like it hasn't been in a long time.
and I don't know what it means-
but I thought I should share while I'm in the moment- because it's all I really have
I started reading Blue Like Jazz and it's got me all shaken up...
I've been searching for words ever since I started the journey through it's pages
and I think maybe the word, or something like it- sounds something like 'honesty'
All I do-
and all I say-
what does it mean and why?
does it really matter in the Christian world?
(maybe it's just the world and I'm still using labels)
but I was reminded of the real God
and now I know what I'm doing isn't it.
I feel the disconnect deep in my soul and my heart.
It aches like I lost someone I love.
I feel like I've been trapped in what I've known.
Like there was no one and nothing that could ever show me the subtle lens
between the real,
the innocent
and the fake and perverse
-the shallow and the insincere.
I feel like for the first time in a long time,
the silence I feel screams more than all the words before.
I want to know God now-
but I don't know how to start
and all the traditional ways are dead ends
because I've been down those roads before.
Like when I was talking to my brother in law tonight-
I feel like in both the church and Christianity,
I don't have a place or a voice.
I can teach the Sunday schools-
where can I go to be fed, then?
It's all masks and smiles on Sunday-
where can I go to be real?

God knows my soul deep down.
I'm convinced.
I don't know what it means anymore.
I feel like even I don't know what the conversation is anymore.

And I don't dare say anything-
because all the old ways-
the old pills
that come in quaint little sayings
are just sugar.

with no real depth
or meaning
or truth.

not without
whatever all this is about.

Sleep is tugging at my eyes-
this is how I feel.
good night everyone.