reflection

I think I'm finally realizing the hard way that God is not who I thought he was-
not in this safe form that I can plan my life out with-
like nails to build a house with.

See, I like to get these notions of how I like my life to be
and then I begin planning it all out in my head-
it will look like this
and I will do such and such
and go so and so places...

Like a script for a play just for myself.

And I know all the quaint cliches about how you shouldn't do this.
But I know that somehow through all of this
its really about me chasing after joy

chasing after God.

I think recently I found a glimpse of this joy
but now I've taken a turn in the path
and while I can hear God trucking it just a little ways ahead-
I cant see a thing.

Am I blind?

I find that while I'm blind I double guess myself- a lot.
And so- as I type- blind and floating
I'm waiting for something solid
something sure.

God's not someone for this chaos
and maybe that's my problem.

Everyday I have to fight this happy image of God and life
plastic and happy.

God is here. Right now, I know- it's his style.
Right smack-dab in the dark waters.
And, hey, maybe I wont end up like I thought-
but as I go farther into this life He gave me-
maybe i get closer to him through all things
if i would let myself.

God is not a tame lion- but he is good.

what about you?