You know,
a lot of times I feel like I have to struggle and fight to be genuine. It's very easy to spout off pleasant Christianese platitudes and hard to know when you're really speaking from the heart. Right now, this morning, I'm trying my hardest to read 1st Corinthians and I'm struggling with any heart connection... I can feel the pulling in me to want to be held by God, but I feel a bit distant right now. It's almost as if my mind is full of buzzing (not to mention the two radios playing in the KKIM studios). There's so much to be done today- and I know I'm trying to control as much of my life as possible, even though im reminded time and time again that even while people like you and I plant and tend our proverbial seeds in life, it is God alone that makes them grow.
It is God alone that makes them grow.
For example,
right now we are looking for new Christian ministries to bring on the airwaves (if you would like join KKIM radio, email me at rfreeman@americangeneralmedia.com)... and I know that its my job to hunt people out, it all simply works best when God brings them- left and right and straight on down the middle from all over, all at once.
and speaking of genuinity, I was reminded of a very important facet of this- I feel like im only marginally good at nearly anything I do, except for ministering through public speaking and writing- but I dont know how to continue in this- its not like there's a job that says "Christian Ministry- please apply inside", you know? But what I keep finding out (and am constantly reminded of) is that obviously no such job really exists- and I keep secretly waiting for the moment to arrive when I'll receive my letter of acceptance in the mail for Ministry, when maybe God brought moments for me to minister all along the way. I've been able to work with the Red Cross; I've had multiple internships up at El Porvenir Christian Camp; I keep getting asked to speak at my Dad's church here in Albuquerque; I've spoken at lock-ins; I've interned at youth outreaches; you're reading this blog and there is SpeakEasy radio every Saturday night on KKIM...
These things weren't planned ahead of time- they only really happened when God orchestrated them to be, and so they happened. Ministry just happens. It's nothing outright grand or flashy- and you dont really need a degree. You just have to want to- and keep that dream and desire alive.
I still feel like while those words are comforting, they're still hard now. I feel a little stuck where I am in life at the moment- like I'm waiting for a late train and its beginning to rain. I really wish I could only do ministry. But like Paul, sometimes you find yourself making tents instead. I crave silence with God- but the more I crave it the more it seems impossible to make time for. I so deeply want to be close with God, just Him and I... but more people call my cell or knock on my apartment door. I know God is in people too, but sometimes I just want Him. That's how I feel.
I Know God is faithful. I've been through similar times- like a couple years ago when I was stuck in Quincy, IL and no one would hire me. It was hard, but I learned a lot... and much of it was just life. Right now in my life I feel a bit out of control- like im just in a stream going wherever it chooses- like a seed in the ground, waiting for the only one to make me grow out of this dark, close place: God.
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has concieved
what God has prepared for those who love Him
-but God has revealed it to us by His Spirit.
The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God."
-1 Corinthians 2:9-10
If you would like me to speak at your Church, Christian Camp or Youth Group or anything else for that matter
- please let me know- I'd love to!
Please email to ryanpfreeman1@aol.com
Thanks and God bless
-Ryan
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