God asks us to be so close to him we eat his flesh and drink his blood. So close He builds our bodies up and flows through us. So close that we are hidden in him. What does it mean to know God like this? How am I to follow my heat's beating for this call? I feel far- held down and strangled by everything right now. If this is what it takes for my wedding to take place- then its no wonder it takes an apocalypse for God to marry the church...

There's too much to take in... and too much to do in a day... and too many people to please...

Lord, I need your help. Come now for me and build me up far above. Help Steph too, Lord. I'm tired already. Keep me with you today.

I feel like the boy with a little bread and fish in the face of way too many mouths to feed. Remind me today of who you are, Lord.

Show me your ways.

Help this heart of mine.

-ryan

But you have saved the best for last

Today I read in John (I like John...)
about how God saves the best for last-
how through Jesus we know what grace and love look like.
I liked the bit about the wedding feast at Cana- how Jesus' meddling mother pushed him to turn the water into wine. The head waiter said something cool- I'm sure you already know but I'll say it anyway- Most people serve the good wine first- then serve the junky wine after everyone is already drunk- But not God. Not Jesus.
After all the good stuff- after all the best times...
it's never, oh- and now it's all over- those sure were great times! but never more.
God knows our hearts- our deep places.
and even after we cant even feel it because we drank ourselves silly with all the old ways,
he gives us something more- better- greater.
It's how we know what grace and love is.

I think I took this home for many reasons,
but the foremost of them (at least, the one that's on my mind right now)
is something I was stuck on for a long time.
For a long time, I always thought my time during high school,
when God had me leading CrossFire - a weekly 50+ person Bible Study was it.
I had all these dreams and plans built around the Ryan I was then.
I thought it was the best God had to offer.
And when I went to Missouri for college
I went to the desert lands (spiritually speaking)
it was my Arabia.
God didn't speak to me like back then
I felt like I was dying
-so dry I almost forgot the smell of rain.
I was so full of life I got moldy.
And so in the humidity of the midwest I was dried out again.
I am convinced I am constantly, perpetually, being made into a new creation.
I don't know where I'll go or what I'll do-
But I know God always has even more to give and to show me.
That's how I see it.
That's how I know it.

I know that no one really reads this blog- but if you do, I hope you get something from it.

I don't know how to explain it- but it's best when it's raining. when it's quiet God says something to me.

When I prayed this morning while I drove to work that God would open up my senses to him,
then, at work, he is. Right now.

And I feel like I wasn't really living all the time before. I felt as if I had just gone from very small to very large- and the world was spinning all around me.

God has something better for me.

Thank you.

Ghosts of a Past Comment

Something I've discovered in life is to treat people as people- nothing more, nothing less. I think that's part of the reason why I don't pay much attention to titles- I pay attention to who the person is - who they really are (If you understand me).

Many a time is when people hide behind labels, titles, arguments, theological tenets, philosophical predispositions and scientific theories. I'm not really sure why... maybe you know...

I've noticed that when someone reacts rather strongly against something, take Christianity for example, it is usually because they're really reacting against something that happened in the past. Sometimes, they have a good reason for being angry too, if you don't immediately feel like you need to fight what they're saying... Sometimes, those past hurts can be surprising too! There is always a reason, it seems...

To quote a smart, rather witty guy, "the spell must be unwound bit by bit"- I think it's similar with hurting people- you typically cant just tell them the answer- you have to show them, sometimes for a good long while if the hurt is really deep...

I don't know... go try it out and see if I'm found wanting...

Until then... read CS Lewis or something...

-Ryan