Friday, January 27, 2012


 So, I know I haven't posted much in a long while- for any faithful readers, im sorry... things are crazy... still... but I dont want to just sit here and whine like all the times before. Things are different and life was not what I expected. The days sort of flow together... and thinking too far ahead still makes me really depressed. So I wont. To anyone who reads this who knows me, no, i am not in any way, shape, or form looking for a sort of 'i told you so' sort of conversation again... still... (but I probably will still love you anyway and in spite of them all.)

So here it is... the continued saga of a once ministry salesman, college-student, newly wed... it cant be too long because Steph is already calling from the other room wanting me to get to sleep so we can get up and basically do the same things we've done since we moved here... the same sort of life-pattern which everyone is so quick to knowingly point out as social norm... man, i feel defensive and it's just me sitting here typing on my computer late at night... it's funny, i feel like i ought to be writing some super-spiritual, genuine piece about some insight or notion... maybe I'll just quit psychoanalyzing myself and write in unassuming statements instead... (or try to, at least)...

Recently i applied for a job as a transfer advisor at a nearby college... im really hoping i get it... but im so used to getting burned i feel like i shouldnt voice my hopes too much... i've also noticed how somehow, even though both steph and I work minimum wage jobs, we're still basically getting by... i suppose that's a God thing- so thanks. When ever I get a spare breath i find myself really restless... for a while i was feeling better because I read some George Macdonald where he said that the cure to this feeling is 'more life' not less... so it was my rallying cry for most of December and January.... it really has to do with living in the life of Jesus, in and through oneself... with others... so I started pouring myself into a home remodeling crusade. When im doing something physical around the house, i find that the anxiety is less, and every once in a great while, I forget about it completely.... but im running out of things i can do... so yeah. not good. i feel anxious when i lie down and right after i wake up. Especially in our bedroom... it's odd... but you'd think the place you go to rest is where you'd actually feel most rested... but it's not... so i tried sleeping on our couch for a couple of nights. And while that more or less helps when i wake up, i still miss Steph lying next to me... i fear to sleep when i feel most anxious (like now) because it's just a continuation of the same unmoving constant... like a waiting room for a nasty doctor's appointment or something... and there's no escaping it. Life moves so slow... and my head and heart and desire and will keep trying to spin with turbine speed, quick as lightning... and i feel so strained most of the time. Is this normal? On one hand, im happy about life in general- if only I could enjoy the happiness. The house is coming together- our pets are great- it's nice having a decent car (steph is convinced it's about to blow up most of the time, but, seeing how she almost never reads these posts, im probably pretty safe to type them here...) and the bills get paid somehow.... I dunno... i daren't think too much for fear the insatiable, all consuming depressed/panic will descend again... how long, God? Do you hear my heart's cry, beneath my cynical, whining mind? How long will you be like sun behind the overcast skies- only flickering through for a ghost of a moment before hiding away your light and warmth? Or maybe I am the sun and you are the one looking up, watching and waiting for me to burn the clouds of my own atmosphere away so we may see each other again...? I am still here. I am still breathing. I still need you.


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