I feel so far behind where I need to be. So incapable. So impotent. Angry- annoyed. Life-less. But somehow, I still hear God's voice, especially the last few days.
"I am reminded of lonely women who are weary
of their office jobs and have only a few years left to find a husband,
to bear children before it is too late. I am also reminded of young men
who are uncertain of their vocation, who are worn with waiting and
prayer and busywork. But most of all I am reminded that God’s timing is
not our timing, and that good things rarely come quickly. Winter is
approaching, and autumn is blowing in under our doorways, and so often
we can feel very alone.
It continued when I had to take my Suzuki in for maintenence. Since I knew I'd be sitting there for awhile, I snatched up the most boring, driest think I could find on short hand off my book shelves:
St. Augustine's City of God. If you've never seen it, it's probably thicker than your Bible. (BTW, if you do ever read it, try substituting the word 'Rome' with 'America'- it draws some interesting parallels). As I was reading and trying my very best to block out the Ellen Degeneres Show blaring out of a tv mounted above my chair, a man in a full three piece suit came in to have his car worked on. You might not find this odd, but as I live in Hannibal, MO- where the only people who dress this way are the local hospital CEO's or lawyers (both rich and thus obviously not to be trusted) this was highly unusual. For the next half of whatever it was Augustine and Ellen where ranting about, I was trying to decide whether I liked the stranger or not. Im ashamed to admit I decided not to like him. Dont ask me why, it just happened. When my car was finished and I was slipping into my coat to leave, the man came up to me and told me he has impressed with my reading material. He asked if I was a teacher or something. I told him that no, I was not a teacher, I just enjoyed the Classics and was also wanting to eventually get my hands on Pelagius' works too someday, if they are still in existence. I just work at a gas station and am a pastor nearby. He introduced himself as the new President of Hannibal LaGrange University, where I'd graduated from few years earlier.
You just made my day. I was completely wrong about you.
(I thought all this in my head rather quickly.)
I was wrong about how and what I had been thinking. It reflects where I am personally- and my continuing desperate need for Jesus in my life and heart.
I've also been listening to Ravi Zacharias while I plunge away my life in Skyrim (currently level 51, thank you very much)- who is an awesome Christian apologist and evangelist, as a way to purposefully expose and surround myself with 'fathers' of the faith- I was excited after listening and hopped into my car to go to work, and popped in an old Reliant K cd (im more into Indie and Celtic now, but I figured, what the hey). As I was driving and listening, a song came on with these lyrics:
"And you said, "I know that this will hurt But if I don't break your heart, then things will just get worse If the burden seems too much to bear Remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there"'
"And you said, "I know that this will hurt But if I don't break your heart, then things will just get worse If the burden seems too much to bear Remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there"'
"Perhaps your life has been littered with pain and broken stories. But perhaps, like Mariana, you are surrounded by the promises and provision of God. He is always present, even if you cannot feel Him. Perhaps the votive candle burns for a reason. “Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always.” “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.”
(re posted from http://www.tylerblanski.com )
Like what you read? Join in with your own insights, stories and art- send them to ryanpfreeman1@aol.com. Thanks and God bless -Ryan
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