Friday, July 31, 2015

A Confession...

 I usually don't cross blogosphere platforms, but this seems to hit-

I think the dedication needed to continue to be a writer and (hopefully author) is the exact same needed to keep trying to follow and emulate Jesus. Yes- like previously mentioned, there's probably a lot of loaded words and presumptions attached to sentiments in that last sentence. While I continue to hunt for a publisher to take me up on my long time work, Rienspel (see my other blog, I've been writing another work in the meantime. At first it was a struggle, because I was so set on telling this one single story, I couldn't very easily just jump tracks into a new one. I had to let myself not work on it. (and this is HARD!) For upwards of eight years I had constantly had this filter running in my head for gathering materials for Rienspel- working on Rienspel- researching- comparing- talking- editing- reediting- imagining... and then to just one day finish. Abruptly. Just like that. Oh, I mean, for sure I was elated and proud of my own personal accomplishment... but after a week or so that faded and I was just back to myself once more. And then I had this other work, The Grey Isle story, to start working on...

I picked up The Grey Isle Story to begin writing in earnest from a folder I have of other tales to write from my world I had dreamed up before dedicating part of my life to Rienspel. I've been researching how to keep writing after what was so important for me has concluded. The reason this post is on Archaen instead of Rienspel is because, for a long while, I was working on another story: my evangelical one. If you know anything about me, you know that I'm a cancer survivor with a religious background. Even for me, it's hard to explain, but I'm not religious any more. I may not have said anything or made it obvious... and that's probably because I don't really know how to make my old story's community understand... (because I don't really understand it myself). There is this... I don't know... assumption that unless you do something obviously expressly forbidden or taboo within Christian circles, that you're in this assumption of reality for life. It's not the following Jesus part I'm talking about, but the deep-seated culture and community which comes with it. For most still within the Church, even the notion that following Jesus while not being apart of this religious assumption is anathema. While I still preach and blog and breathe and sleep, I want you to know that I also drink, don't pray or read my Bible regularly, hang out with non-Christians without any intention to officially evangelize them and detest most Christian media. All of this- from my old community to my previous faith-cultural ties are apart of 'Rienspel'. My old book which is finished. Now, while I wait... idling like an ancient car in a driveway until the gas has all run out, I have begun a new work... 'The Grey Isle' (I'm still debating about the title, actually...). I am still a writer. I still love and follow Jesus. But what I'm writing and how I'm actively working on expressing my new tale is different now.

I am starving for community of similarly-minded people where I still paradoxically feel called to live in Hannibal, MO. And I can smell BS a million miles away. I don't want anyone to 'be concerned' for me, 'or pray for me' (at least, not out of the churchy motivation, anyway), I am not apart of your old assumption any more, except that I am a writer continuing to write. I am a person continuing to try and follow Jesus. I am disavowed - even if you never knew, I did. I am desperate for space and company and genuine validation. I don't know how to lead a church and I don't know how to move forward on my own. But I'm a writer, and I can't help but continue to write. Because it's through my expression in written word that I continue to sojourn. Thoughts and ideas are my gateway. Friends are my guides. Companions with like-hearts are my allies. Of the few existential gems I continue to treasure, the brightest of these is what George MacDonald once said, that "All Truth is God's truth". And I think if we're actually brave enough and honest enough to use this as our compass, there's no knowing where we might be swept off to- and eventually come out all the better for it in the end.


Like what you read? Join in with your own insights, stories and art- send them to Thanks and God bless -Ryan

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