Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Battleship with a Ghost

Just some stream of consciencesness from me this morning-
as usual, there's different issues on my mind and my chest feels off... but that's nothing new. I was finally able to write some more of a fantasy story I've been working on and off for a few years now... I've been trying to pray more, because I feel the inklings- mostly from other people, that God is up to something...

Yeah- I know that everyone likes to claim that God is about to do something... and usually I dont really go for it... but I've been hearing it more and more, and so it just makes me wonder... meanwhile, my problems just kinda continue on, only altered by the passing days and seasons... lately I've been reminded of the love of people around me, and Im challenged to consider whether I love simply because Im loved- or I love because I feel as if I dont, I will not be loved in return... so now Im sitting again in the radio studios at my work- it's Tuesday and there's already a list of things to do. Driving here from dropping my wife off at her work, I sort of woke up to the idea that I dont really consider Albuquerque my home. I've lived here, again, for almost a year since I graduated college- and I still feel like a stranger inside. It's like staying over at a house you know all the corners and odd furnishings in, but you remain a guest- and never a resident.

Im rambling, but I think it's ok... too many 'ministries' always seem to have to put on a brave face and make everything super spiritual.. if it's the person beneath the writing we've been relating to all along, why dont we hear more from them? And so this is me- just me- Ryan Patrick Freeman on a Tuesday. These words dont mean much- but if you come here regularly, maybe this is a small sliver of a community- a place like a home... and I think that's one of my main goals with this blog...

so here's my confession on life as I know it right now- I dont relish work- I feel stuck between two opposite and all-encompassing forces of ministry and corporate- the world of the Cross and the world of the Dollar... lately, people have been encouraging me to start my own ministry- but I have no idea what that means, and so, yet again, here I am... every night, I dream of being greater- and doing something Im not terrified of that I know is meaningful- that supports Steph and I- even if it isnt grand or anything... that something is what I scheme for... I dont have many friends my age in town... I feel like I never have much time to be in the right situations to meet anyone...

I think im in some sort of whip-lash between college life and this life... between order and sense, and a 8:30- 5  job- an apartment, a wife and cats... Im coming to realize that I do have limitations from my childhood bout with cancer... and that being anywhere intensive for more than a couple of hours makes me more angsty than a Twilight character... and there's not much I can do about it... I also have to admit that I feel like I have to act all the time- for work, or church... and when I get home, it's harder and harder to peal the mask off and let my skin breathe a little. People blame me of being negative... and I feel like I can't change it... it's me in these circumstances that I see no option out of... I've been trying to pray more- to spend more time with God when I have no time to begin with... and I dont hear much from him directly- so it's like playing battleship with a ghost most of the time.

The weekends are never long enough and most people blow most of what I say off for me being either lazy or that this madness is all just something I need to 'get used to'.... which makes me want to scream... but I usually just sigh instead. I cant seem to figure things out decisively anymore, like I used to be able to do. I merely continue.. and if I paddle, it doesnt really seem to matter much, because Im directionless in an ocean anyways... That's some mental dialogue for you this morning... and dont really care if no one reads this... I needed to say it. Thank you.


Like what you read? Want it live at your Church, Christian Camp or Youth Group? - please let Ryan know- I'd love to! Please email to ryanpfreeman1@aol.com Thanks and God bless -Ryan


  1. i feel direction less almost all the time too...

  2. I hear you- there is an end to it... dont think of it so much of a right path, but your choice, with the following forseeable consequences. God will be wherever you go, waiting for you.