Wednesday, May 4, 2011

What IS good Enough?

Its a new day,
and as usual, I have a lot on my mind. There are so many dreams and goals I have and I feel a bit overwhelmed. I dont know how any play out and Im not really sure what Im after through them anyway. I feel as if there's no time- none, to even begin to plan to accomplish anything... maybe that's it, maybe Im searching for a
'Good Enough' level of success in my life in general. Im not sure. If you read the last post- I was all fired up yesterday- after posting I went home and stared at my messy apartment... and I thought, ' no wonder I dont feel like I can do anything...' when my space is a mess, it's a sort of extension of how I'm feeling cluttered inside. Maybe it's because I feel like a bit of my own self-worth rides along with any significant project I endeavor to achieve. I know all the reasons why I shouldnt do this to myself, but sometimes I cant help it- it just happens. I was encouraged, though, from a line out of Donald Millers' A Million Miles in a Thousand Years- "Progress is still progress" (or something like that). Similarily to his book, I feel like Im struggling to restructure my life into something meaningful by attempting to realize passions and dreams, and then map out a story, as much as it falls on me, to actualize them.

Many people have taught me to wait on God. To wait for His voice is what is encouraged. But I cant hear very well. I think the only reason I dont make more of a deal about it is because here in Albuquerque, I can get distracted rather easily. And so I just go on... pandering about until... something... I dont know. I remember what my sister told me about being 20 something- it is/was one of the most confusing times of her life. Have I come to accept that? Sure. Do I have to like it? Not by a long shot. I feel as if Im fighting in the dark, flailing my arms. If I ever even graze something while throwing yet another blind punch- I strike again and again in the only direction I felt was solid. What IS good enough, anymore? If what im going through is just some passing phase- that's just fine- but if it's apart of some bigger journey, then let me in on it... maybe Im just being melodramatic... I dunno...

But I feel in my heart all these yearnings and desires- and then I wake up and go to work and life merely continues... with natural consequences following natural choices... I feel like who I am is simeltaneously too big and too little for the suit I have to wear every work day... and deep inside I still restlessly wander, desperately yearning to be free.

I dunno- just some thoughts from this morning so far...


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