Wednesday, September 7, 2011


 As usual, I've been really thinking about what to post next on Archaen for everyone...
it's stretching one too many days without something new and so here it is:


I'm being humbled lately. and it's hard.

I mean,
Really HARD.

Not the oh, that was a good spiritual lesson for the week, now onto tomorrow...
It's almost as if i cant run from myself anymore... only momentarily forget... but the reality comes crushing back at the oddest of times that Im terrified.


Of myself.
Of not living up to who I think I ought to be and do and act and think and be.

It's not an easy thing to change- and it's not something I can fix-

there is no plan for this that I can possibly dream up.
No magic pill or secret words to gobble up or whisper on my dark nights.

I think we like to believe we are self-sufficient. Like the entire cosmos of TRUTH begins with us- not apologetically or theologically, but PERSONALLY.

Im disgusted with myself for not being able to measure up to all the things I think I ought to be- and I am so easily jealous of everything and everyone around me who has what I think I deserve.
I feel entitled. I know its not right. But it's how I feel.
I feel it's how we build our lives up- especially in Christianity these days- and it's a sort of snare which snaps up our very souls in the process.

In Oregon, there was a nature park near my house growing up.
A good way along the twisty path underneath the titanic trees and drops of plunking rain, there is a spot that always grabbed my attention. There is an old OLD tree growing a hop and a skip off the path, and running right straight through the trunk are strands of barbed wire. They run through the left right on through to the right side of the tree. It's really incredible- but that's how I feel this is with us. We go through high school learning about ourselves and everything we ought to be. Then we go off to college trying to be those things- to breathe life into our own self-constructed souls- this feel, this thing- this strand of barbed wire- wraps around us tighter and tighter as it coils around our hearts. We are products of our own creations- WE ARE THE HOLLOW MEN.

This is a topic which cuts deeper than most shallow cuts at relevance from the church. This is because this sort of personal barbed wire is something of our own making- and Im tired. Im tired and I gotta continue. I must wake up- and there is no rest. No escape. Because, like my very shadow- it follows me- and makes the sunlight dim and the night gleam darker.

My only hope in this is Jesus.
People throw that around too much- we get so wrapped up in the here and the now- what we're doing- where we're going- why it matters and who said what.... and I think we train ourselves to see the world through only the filter of our own eyes and thoughts... instead of... well, something else. I guess Im still working on the answer... But I know it has to do with God- because even though I am going through my own personal humbling- I know it is God who is behind the goodness in it. He knows what He's doing- and even if the mantra wore think years ago- I will keep trusting him. Even if i dont really know what that means-even if I cant just readily hand you the happy, shining ending right now...

Im learning that perhaps the ending is only a mere continuation of God transforming us into the sort of creatures who inhabit heaven.... not just in appearance but in true form and be-ing. It is who we are, not so much what we say or do... for what is church or the bible or prayer if it is only playing at worship before the altars of our own selves, in the end. The love of God is ultimately about more than our own skins, egos and fears. I think it requires a thoughtless inner change so absolute, so pure, that we truly do become new creatures of a different kind. A sort of goodness who goes out with a will to light the dark regions of pathless woods, so that others like we once were like can be pricked by the freeing light of goodness- mending our own hearts with the love of Jesus.

Until then, I cannot be changed. and if I do change from day to do, it is only Jesus and his goodness and love which do it- by others and things placed precariously in my path for my finding, which he uses. Him and not myself which, in the end, saves me.

Until then, I am a miserable wretch. I cant do anything good enough- because 'good enough' isnt good. I am sabotaged from the inside out. Please keep helping me, Lord. Please save me from myself. Make me pure and holy. Your will be done, Your Kingdom come, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Amen.


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