Wednesday, September 14, 2011

deep down

Ok, so a ton has been happening lately and I figured I'd mentally download some of it here... as usual. And as usual, i've been doing a ton of thinking, especially because im working at a gas station now... not too happy about that... but, hey, what better way to help motivate me to find something else? Anyways, I watched the movie The Social Network last night and it really got me thinking... and while im not nearly a genious like anyone in the film- nor did i get to go to Harvard or anything, i still 'feel around the edges' that there's something in me trying desperately to get out. There's an idea that im trying to express over and over again through Archaen, SpeakEasy and even Raven Media Specialists that's there, waiting...
about what a job and what it means... and right now, im learning hard lessons about myself and what I am and am not capable of. I was brutally and logically honest last night when i was journaling about all this. God is working on me- through mercy and grace and humility with this move to Hannibal, MO... and every second it feels as if im desperately fighting away despair. I feel like im a creature of neither the ABQ world or the Quincy/Hannibal world... but something in between. And so it's as if im constantly having to real time translate what i mean and what im going through whenever i talk with people from around here- or the friends and family i have back in New Mexico... I dont know what God's up to... I've given up trying... and while i feel conflicted about that, i dont really know what else to do but relentlessly work on my own problems- even if, in the end, it is God who makes the real, lasting changes anyway.

Deep down, im yearning to be something more than 8 hour shifts at a local gas station in order to barely make bills as they come. Deep down, i have to constantly fight being arrogant and prideful, all the while battling the inner conviction that I can and will do something more with my life. Deep down- im learning, and exhasted. I feel bankrupt of so much and still more days come. Please pray for me. And God, please help me in the way you know I most need.

thank you everyone.


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